Shame is what I ran from. It felt too painful to endure. I tried to avoid it at all costs even if it meant contorting myself to be accepted. I just made the contortions look natural and pleasing to the eye.
Don’t see my ugliness. See me as special, good, and lovable.
I will hide my anger, my fears, my selfishness, and my weakness.
Especially, my weakness.
I still fill the prickles of shame.
I was standing in the playground in my brown Clarks sandals and bright white knee-high socks that my mom made sure sparkled. The sun was warm and the sky was blue with puffy white clouds floating in it. My navy blue school uniform was pristine. Navy skirt, white shirt with a navy jumper over top. My long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail with a red ribbon tied in a perfect bow. I stood separate from a group of children from my kindergarten class. They were looking at me, staring. I looked back warily frozen on the spot. Everything was pristine except for my wet underpants.
“Come sit on my lap.” Gabriella, or Garbyella as I called her, said to me.
I knew she knew. The prickles of shame stung my face.
All I could do was pretend. Pretend that everything was normal. Nothing was wrong.
Garbyella was the ring leader. Whatever she decided everyone else would follow.
I couldn’t see a way out so denial was my best option. Deny the facts. Be oblivious to the truth. Ignore the evidence.
I sat on her lap and pretended everything was normal. The rest is blank in my memory. I have no recollection of what happened next.
That is the generosity of memory when it protects us from what is painful.
I was the kid who was picked on and who didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself. I was a pleaser, a placator, I would bend and twist to fit in. My survival didn’t have room for loyalty.
I ingratiated myself with others. Too nice to hold healthy boundaries. Easily taken advantage of. With the stink of shame clinging to me unable to be washed off.
As an adult, I see the conditioning at play. There is expansion into freedom, but there is also contraction. That is human.
My fear of weakness can still drive me to not show how awkward I feel or how scared I am.
When I was doing a breathwork session recently I was overcome by a terrifying fear. There was no content to the fear, but it felt so consuming I immediately took off my eye mask and sat up. The adrenaline subsided, and I walked around to shake off the feeling. The next day during the session the same feeling returned, but this time I became curious about it, and in my curiosity, I opened up to myself. It was surprising how different this felt. I felt my feelings rather than being frozen in the face of them. And rather than being consumed by emotion the feelings just melted away.
My conditioning previously had me freeze in the face of intense fear rather than feel it. But that was all that was needed. It was pretty anti-climatic. There wasn’t even a whimper or a tear, but the shift was profound.
I didn’t set out to do this. It wasn’t anything I could have figured out. I just happened — experiential learning.
Now I feel more grounded and whole.
Whatever you might be resisting or feeling ashamed of know there is a learning curve available.
For me, it involved a willingness to step into the unknown and be open to seeing what arose. The innate wisdom within me gave me curiosity to help me bring more of myself into the light of awareness.
Trust that innate wisdom within you to show you the way home and illuminate your journey of awakening.
This post was originally published in Rohini’s Blog at https://www.therewilders.org/.
Is Crypto Safe? What You Need to Know
What You Need to Know About Crypto Security
The cryptocurrency market is booming with more new coins and startups than ever, but they’re not all created equal. Cryptocurrency is a trailblazing technology that could overhaul the financial systems of the future. However, it’s wise to do your homework before actively trading or investing in cryptocurrencies with price volatility and privacy concerns.
What Is A Cryptocurrency?
Digital money that makes use of cryptography to safeguard transactions and regulate the generation of new units is called Cryptocurrency. It’s called a cryptocurrency because it relies on cryptography’s encrypted form of data. Cryptography also provides anonymity for users by obscuring their identity and, indeed, all aspects of their transactions.
Cryptocurrencies can be mined, traded or used to purchase goods and services. A person would have to rely on already established relationships with merchants or banks to make purchases in the past.
How Safe Is Cryptocurrency?
Cryptocurrency is more than an idea to create a digital form of currency at its core. Cybercriminals have learned that they can target these digital currencies because they are not regulated and not backed by any government. In theory, it’s tough to track down the source or the location of cryptocurrency transactions.
Cryptocurrencies are a prime target opening for cybercriminals since it’s difficult to trace transactions and identify the individuals involved.
How to Safeguard Your Cryptocurrencies
Cybersecurity in Cryptocurrency is a common issue and one that you should be aware of if considering an investment. Though the concerns are real, these problems can be mitigated mainly through a few simple security steps before trading or investing in Cryptocurrency.
Here are some basics steps to help secure your account from Cryptocurrency transactions:
Enable two-step authentication and password protect your computer when searching for cryptocurrency exchanges. This will prevent anyone from accessing your machines if they are stolen or hacked.
Use a Virtual Private Network
A virtual private network (VPN) is a computer network where you can hide your proper IP address. If a hacker were to try and break into your account, they would see an IP address from the VPN, so it would be impossible to gain access.
Backup Your Wallet
Backup information that includes public address and private keys. This will help you retrieve any lost currency or prevent others from transferring Cryptocurrency from your wallet.
Use Multiple Wallets
Using more than one Cryptocurrency wallet helps protect your investment from theft even if your account is compromised. If you have a cryptocurrency wallet on multiple devices and platforms, it’s easy to keep a backup of your information in case of an account breach.
What Are the Risks Associated with Cryptocurrency?
With all the blockchain talk about decentralization and anonymity, getting swept up in the hype is easy. Cryptocurrency has become a rapidly growing portion of the investing market, and many retail investors are looking to trade or invest in cryptocurrencies.
While the technology behind cryptocurrencies is impressive, risks are rushing, making trading and investing in Cryptocurrency risky for inexperienced traders.
Phishing scams come in many forms, including emails and text messages. These scams can occur on an individual or a more general level, as most commonly happens. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) publishes information on detecting phishing scams. Still, it’s hard to tell the difference between a legitimate cryptocurrency exchange and an imposter because most large cryptocurrency exchanges do not have contact information listed for regulatory reasons.
Cryptocurrency is a very volatile market that can swing wildly in either direction in almost no time at all. All cryptocurrencies are responsive to news, which can cause price changes within minutes or hours. There are also several different types of currencies, so you may have a hard time getting used to the volatility of each type. If you see only one digital currency (e.g., Bitcoin), it’s easy to assume stability when it’s still highly volatile.
While using crypto for online payments is a convenient method to pay for products and services, there are significant hazards involved with such transactions. When you pay for anything using bitcoin, you have no way of knowing the seller’s identity or having your payment details validated by a third party. You’re on your own if there’s an issue with the transaction.
With online purchases, you don’t have access to a complaint process, and there is no recourse if something goes wrong. This all results in anonymous transactions that pose risks online. As long as Cryptocurrency continues its rapid growth, this will be an iCryptocurrencyilers and sellers will need to solve.
Cryptocurrency is a highly sought-after currency for investors due to its untraceable nature and ability to exchange value without interference from a third party, such as a bank. However, this feature also makes it an appealing target for cybercriminals.
If you’re considering investing or trading in Cryptocurrency, educate yourself on the processes used to make transactions and invest your money safely and securely with reliable services that vet every transaction before letting it go through. Before diving in headfirst, make sure you research the different types of Cryptocurrency available and what risks are associated with each one. For more information on Cryptocurrency and its different types, visit our blog now!
Where did the Zero Go?
For as long as I can remember, I always looked around me, mainly at other boys, to get a sense of where I stood, of who I was.
It’s as if I had drawn a horizontal line with pluses on one side and minuses on the other and my position was the zero. There was that really cool kid, he was a plus, there was the dorky boy, he was a minus… At times being in the presence of pluses was inspiring but it was mostly threatening, because at that moment, it didn’t matter how many minuses existed or whether my “zero’ was pretty high up there, all I could see was a plus, and that made me the minus.
This applied to everything; from being good at sports to drawing or reading or the way I looked or how smart I was or how popular or cool I felt at any given moment. It wasn’t really about how I was feeling though, I could feel like a million bucks but if a plus walked in along any of the possible categories that I valued, my insecurities would immediately trigger.
I became really good at growing and repositioning my zero, or my reference point, and became a master at gauging others, categorizing and comparing. I didn’t just compare myself with the world, I was also comparing myself to different versions of myself…where was I at any given moment, compared to where I had been before, or where I could be, or even worse… where I should be.
As some of the things I valued started to loose importance, new ones came online. Having the coolest Star-wars set got traded for being liked by the most girls, having academic success got traded for being regarded as witty and successful, being the coolest got replaced by getting to be the kindest…and so it went.
Then entered spirituality, the fix for all my struggles, or so I thought. It didn’t actually stop the comparison, because I turned it into the new playing field; The new standard where I got to measure and prove how special I was. There was a new flag to catch, and that was enlightenment.
I got really good at sustaining a very high level of consciousness, at being present, not judging people, being happy and all the things that came with paying close attention to my thoughts and emotions. I became particularly good at showing people how spiritual I was.
What a perfect solution… no more pluses to encounter because spirituality now trumped all. Someone could be successful and good looking and everything else that would make me feel less, but odds were they weren’t more spiritual than me; my spiritual zero was really up there. It felt like I had figured things out.
My sense of self was so invested in this new spiritual identity that I defended it with all I had. Seeing my attachment to it, was truly humbling.
I realized taking the next step required the willingness to let go of my spiritual crutch. I had to come to terms with my addiction. My fix was the next high, amazing insight or awakening experience. In essence, not much different from looking for the next toy or business deal and believing it was going to make me happy. Accepting this, meant recognizing the fate of the game I was playing: no matter how meaningful it seemed at the time, no success had ever been enough, no amount of recognition or validation had ever ended my need for it, no spiritual high had ever quenched that thirst; I was an addict and it was never going to be enough.
As if just having been defeated for the millionth time at a video game and throwing the game controller on the floor, I felt the air sucked out of me and the engines behind that drive snuffing out. It wasn’t the bells and whistles of winning; it was the blinking “game-over“ sign on the screen.
A New Energy
Life started to take on a different flavor from that point on. The old energy of attaining comes and visits but it’s seen as an old friend that used to be so familiar and I’ve grown apart from. The zero seems to bubble up but it’s now seen as just a thought looking for friction and contrast to find its bearings.
Old dynamics still sometimes play themselves out, emotions still surface and I sometimes find myself reacting in the ways I used to. Now however, they seem to happen within a larger context and they are recognized as just temporary experiences not as things that define an “me” or a zero.
When these thoughts or emotions are happening in the absence of a reference point, there’s no separation between the experience and the experiencer. All that’s left, is a deep intimacy with life that moves through the world with an open heart and mind.
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